I stare at my reflection in the mirror:
“Why am I doing this to myself?”
Losing my mind on a tiny error,
I nearly left the real me on the shelf.
I can’t recall when it started, but it’s been a while, and it’s hard. I became aware of it recently. It’s like it was happening gradually but I didn’t notice. And then, someday I just realized I am not myself, and I don’t know the way to go back.
Brushing my hair—do I look perfect?
I forgot what to do to fit the mould!
The more I try the less it’s working
‘Cause everything inside me screams
The more the days pass, the more aware I become that I do not fit in now in my surrounding. I don’t enjoy what I do, or the company of whom I spent most of my time with. My friends got drifted in several ways. My love is facing a critical time. I get anxiety attacks in my workplace every now and then. It’s a mess, right? But I would not complain if I had a clue of how I can help myself. I still try though. I have pulled myself together enough times to realize that it’s not impossible to do it again.
Don’t lose who you are in the blur of the stars!
Seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing,
It’s okay not to be okay.
Sometimes it’s hard to follow your heart.
Tears don’t mean you’re losing, everybody’s bruising,
Just be true to who you are!
Today was refreshing. The long walk, the climb, the heat, even the sunstroke… all this helped me release waves of bad energy (if I can call it so). Very big waves of it are still inside me, yet by just releasing few, it cleared my head enough to start having an idea of what I might like to do next with my life.
Tomorrow is another day, and may be tomorrow I’ll get closer to finding the old me, the one I love, the one that is passionate, caring, vulnerable, stubborn, and courageous. The one that takes risks, and is way more eager to learn and explore than the current version.
I can claim that I’ve given quite a few interviews and talks to Egyptian and non-Egyptian audience. Not a very big audience generally, but I always let my spontaneity and my passion lead me from the beginning to the end. I wear my own face and dislike having a mask. For the very first time I get this stage fright that blocked all my thoughts. My main challenge was to try delivering any of the points I have in mind and not end up letting the audience down.
I’m very lucky I had this experience today, for as strange and bizarre as it sounds, in these 10-15 minutes (talk was supposed to be 20), the sounds and voices about all the surroundings were blocked, but there was a moment of clarity about myself that I have been struggling to reach. A moment when I told myself that I need to implement what I preach for, and to search again for my lost passion. I have been hiding myself under layers as I do not want to get more hurt, but somehow this led to the moment when I really stopped believing in myself. It’s cheesy, but it’s true. I have to regain that passion. And I have to recognize:
I’m lost, but not for long.
I’m mad, but not for long.
I’m depressed, but not for long.
And without all the painful experiences I have been through, along with the good ones, and the really good ones, I wouldn’t be who I am. I’m still proud of who I am by the way, but I know my self-esteem has reached a pretty unprecedented low level.
I’m very grateful to this moment as it reminded me that I am not a lost cause yet.
I miss a lot of things lately.
The nostalgia I feel towards everything I had before might seem rational to some, but I know most people would reply with “Been there, done that.”
I think the number one thing I miss, is being able to reflect what’s going on in my mind. Here I am trying to write this blog post for at least over two hours although in my mind everything was so simple and clear.
I miss being free, or having the power to fight for it at least. Now, I know that everyday I’m surrendering.. bit by bit. I keep telling myself that compromises need to be made in order to reach it one day, but I’m not sure if this is true. Let’s keep on pretending that it’s true.
And you know what? These things work.. pretending not to care and working on it everyday, till you actually don’t give a shit. May be this works too.
Or may be, may be it’s just because you’re too in pain, that you become numb. Till you join the majority of miserable people working the same jobs, doing the same things, and focusing only on their feet.
I wouldn’t lie to you. I still feel the guilt. I still ask myself why I decided to move on while those who died died and those who were imprisoned still suffer the horrors there. How I will be able to face them one day, and what am I going to do now that my entire belief system has got upside down. Now that I know how naive I was along with thousand of people. We should have played it dirty, same as them, but we were delusional, following hypocrites and greedy tacky people. And now, we live to become the corrupt.
Allow me for a bit, to pour on you the pure cliches that I found in my shelter: movies and music.
– But what if we lived long enough to become the villain?
And what is it about pain that at some point makes you want to hide your vulnerability so that you can continue to live? What is it about it that it makes you wish you weren’t gifted with caring?
President Snow: It’s the things we love most that destroy us.
And now, back to the same question.. where do I go now? I don’t know, but still I know that this blog post itself, is a start, to an attempt back to find who I am, what I belief, what I want, and where to go from there.
In the fast lane
No time for love
No time for hate
No drama no time
Whose soul aches
I’m at home
On my own
Check my phone
I may cry ruining my makeup
Wash away all the things you’ve taken
I don’t care if I don’t look pretty
Big girls cry when their hearts are breaking
I’m in pain
It’s lonely at the top
Black outs and airplanes
I still pour you a glass of champagne
I’m a tough girl
Whose soul aches
I can bite my tongue
I can stay away for days
If that’s what you want
Be your number one
I can fake a smile
I can force a laugh
I can dance and play the part
If that’s what you ask
Give you all I am
I can do it
But I’m only human
And I bleed when I fall down
I’m only human
And I crash and I break down
Your words in my head, knives in my heart
You build me up and then I fall apart
‘Cause I’m only human
I can turn it on
Be a good machine
I can hold the weight of worlds
If that’s what you need
Be your everything
I can do it
I can take so much
‘Til I’ve had enough